My family and came out of the Vision Forum movement about 2 years ago. We realize this as a huge pitfall for homeschoolers and feel a special burden to reach those still trapped by this kind of legalism. A couple blog entries I wrote on the subject:

http://bigkiddfamily.blogspot.com/search/label/Husband%20and%20Wife%20Relationships

http://bigkiddfamily.blogspot.com/2011/11/are-we-raising-disciples-or-pharisees.html

First, I apologize for a delay in responding. Due to my efforts at the Christian-speculative-fiction-focused SpeculativeFaith.com website, YeHaveHeard has unfortunately fallen by the wayside. Your comment reminded me of the continuing need to write on topics like this. Thanks for posting it, and I hope this helps.

My background: I’m a lifelong Christian, journalist, web designer, husband, and an aspiring fiction author. Perhaps more helpful to you, I’m a member of a solid, Gospel-proclaiming and –living local church.

Second, I’m very, very sorry to hear of your situation. Even over long-distance, it makes me angry and wish I could do more to help — both to practice justice against sin that honors God and strengthens His Church (as in 1 Cor. 5), and to be a reflection of the grace of our slain and risen Christ, Who has taken the penalty for sins and now through His Spirit changes us from the inside out. (We do not change ourselves!)

In the rest, I’ll interact with your thoughts in a style approximating a real-life conversation.

Any helpful links to therapy, or emergency help, for women who are trying to change things in their household in regards to un-Biblical patriarchalism?

I’ll do my best. Of course, long-range help can only go so far. Take what I offer, interact if you like, and Lord willing, find a local and Biblical, Gospel-proclaiming and –living church that can help you even more.

For 22 years I have been trying to get help for our marriage from church leadership with their only answer being “change yourself”.

Mind if I ask what kind of church that is, that would not point to Scripture, Christ, His grace and the Gospel (according to your word here)? Again I would suggest: find a more-Biblical church that points not to human willpower to fix surface problems, but the flawed human heart (Romans 7) that needs the Spirit’s work! Nine Marks Ministries, whose statement of faith is Biblical and available, has a fairly good database of such churches, as they identify themselves, across the U.S. This is at http://www.9marks.org/churchsearch/ .

I’ve armed myself with books about control-type men, evil people, demonic warfare,

Based on Scripture, controlling folks, with evil in their hearts, egged on by demons, are only the sick fruits of the real problem: personal, indwelling sin. Does your husband profess to be a Christian? Has he put away all his own “righteousness” that God counts as “a polluted garment” (Isaiah 64:6), and instead repented and bowed before Christ as the only righteous One Who died for sin and lived for his life? If not, he is not a true follower of Christ. (Of course, I would also ask the same questions of anyone else!)

but am still stuck with someone who treats me as the slave, he does not provide for me or the kids except for food and shelter, he does not recognize my birthday yet we must treat him as special on his day(s), and more. I haven’t left or divorced because of the Christian “law” to submit, which he uses against me even if I am incapacitated medically.

You may already know of the corresponding Biblical truth that husbands are to love their wives sacrificially just like Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5). Christ gave His life for the Church. This tells us two things: 1) Your husband should be willing to die for you, not just literally, but daily, in Biblical servant-leadership. 2) Your husband is part of Christ’s “bride,” the Church, and therefore should obey the Church’s Husband. As noted above, is he? As you mention below, it does not sound like it. None of these beliefs are Biblical.

Recently he’s been listening to Messianic teachers online, and one day said to my older boys (now ages 19 and 20) that the Ketubah (Old Covenant) was like a Middle Eastern marriage where the wife just waits to be told what to do and how, and that is how a wife should be. He told my daughter (age 17) that she can never move away, she must stay home to serve him. Lord help us.

This is un-Biblical. Are you familiar with the book of Galatians? There, the Apostle Paul lashed out at false teachers who were trying to add Jewish Law practices to the Gospel. In his case, these laws, such as for the practice of circumcision, had been fulfilled in Christ. But in your husband’s case, “patriarchal” treatment of daughters was never even required in Scripture. It is Jewish tradition. When did Jewish tradition become equivalent to what the Bible says, much less binding on any Christian today? I say this not simply to agree with you in annoyance and outrage, but to confirm that your apparent disagreement with this stuff is valid. However, this stuff is not wrong simply because it’s outrageous and abusive. It’s wrong because it violates Scripture, opposes God’s grace, and draws the focus from Him as our glorious King to self on the throne.

Again, two approaches may help here. The first would be to continue reading Scripture. Meanwhile, also read books about how to read Scripture, to try to screen out the mystical, anti-Gospel stuff you may have been hearing. A reader-friendly, basic overview is in the book How to Read the Bible For All Its Worth. Or for a survey of Biblical doctrines, try Bible Doctrine by Wayne Grudem. Another book that helped changed my life and understand why God does what He does, and the greater reason behind why He loves us, is Desiring God by John Piper. (It’s also absolutely free online.) I’ve also benefited much from a book called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, which seems specifically written to people like you in such situations.

All that may help you arm you with not just opposition to your husband’s stuff, but with Biblical truth that implicitly shows that this is false teaching. But far better would be, as I’ve said, would be the second need: finding a local church that teaches the Scripture. At your current church, do they teach the Gospel? Is there a place for church discipline in the way that Jesus describes it (Matthew 18) and Paul echoes (1 Cor. 5)? Do they correct false legalistic teachings as Paul did (Galatians 1-2) and point to the Gospel of grace that leads to changed living, not just to oppose the world, but out of love for the Christ Who saved us? If not, that is not a Biblical church. Thus, based solely on my limited information, that means you would be fully justified, under the authority of Jesus as the Church’s Husband, to find a Biblical church. There you can, I hope, begin to heal, get more-Biblical teaching, and “detox” — and get marriage help.

While my role is, again, limited, I’ll do whatever I can to help with that, even long-range.

God bless, and my wife and I will be praying for you and your family, and your husband.

Later research has shown me that “federal vision” and “patriocentric” notions, while overlapping here and there, aren’t one and the same. While “federal vision” may call into question where exactly a Christian’s righteousness comes from (not imputed from Christ?), and thus I may still disagree with Wilson on that, I agree that from what I’ve seen from him he does not go for the anti-Biblical patriarchy ideas to the extent that Douglas Phillips does. In fact, I’ve appreciated a lot of Wilson’s wisdom many times! (Most recently, I loved his excellent rebuttal to the whole idea that C.S. Lewis was a universalist and Rob Bell is just following in his footsteps.)

Also noted about the Biblical instruction in Numbers 30: 3-5 regarding fathers and daughters within the Old Covenant. However, I found nothing in that passage pertaining to a father having “veto power” over all a woman’s decisions until she’s married. Rather this portion was about woman’s optional vow “to the Lord” (verse 3).

Perhaps you were thinking of another passage, though? I noticed your original reference was slightly off. But even then, many Christians who seem to think the Bible is just full of ways fathers should specifically guide/raise daughters may want to consider a) that’s not the thrust of even the Old Testament Law, b) we must certainly not ignore the Old Testament, but see Who it was always about: Christ Himself and the Gospel. That, at the very least, makes its specific law tenets slightly more difficult to apply today, and exactly how/when/why (or why not) we follow such codes is a conversation to have.

Thanks much for your comments and encouragement, and for helping me to keep thinking — optimally for the goal of glorifying God through careful reasoning and delight in Him.

Glad to see another successful Christian who didn’t have to run the government school gauntlet! However, I don’t think you’ve accurately characterized Douglas Wilson in any way. In terms of the unique role of fathers, Douglas Wilson teaches that the husband is spiritually responsible for his whole family and is a covenantal head of that family. He’s the one on whom the blame falls when there are problems, and it is his job to be a leader. However, he must lead with love and be quick to love his wife and ask her for advice.

I think you’ll find these teachings clearly stated in his books “Reforming Marriage” and “The Federal Husband.” I have never heard him teach, or read anything he wrote, which supported patriarchy or patriocentric families as you stated here. Would you please substantiate your claim with quotes? Assuming you agree that fathers are primarily charged with the responsibility of their children’s sanctification (Ephesians 6:4), Doug Wilson teaches precisely what you said was biblical: “husband-leadership, wife-submission, or children-obey-your-parents.” Doug Phillips may teach patrio-centric family life, but where did you find this in Wilson’s writings?

Also, all due respect, I believe you are incorrect when it comes to the Bible being silent on father-daughter relationships. Numbers 30:1-6 gives us some pointers: responsibility. Thsoe verses make it quite clear that a father is responsible for a young woman’s decisions (with veto power) until she is married to her husband, who then receives the weight of that responsibility.

Your brother in Christ,

Luke Nieuwsma