“God, I thank you that I am not like Modernist Christians who don’t see the ways the world has changed around them, people who only want to analyze truth and use it to preserve their own power structures, and want to reduce the Bible to facts, without living in love.

“I make everything about how I see your love. I blog about worthy causes and point people to new books and other blogs about the same things. I see many ways Christians have failed in the past, and I can see that inevitably their central sin is not seeing you as loving enough. I know for sure that no one can know anything for sure, and make all my beliefs about being very clear that you are only Mystery. I fast from PCs and give my money to Apple products.”

“God, I thank you that I am not like those Wacky Emergents, all of whom don’t care a bit about you and who go around with their coffees and avant-garde attitudes as if only they can solve the world’s problems, when they don’t care about much besides left-wing politics and causes.

“Thank you for making me different. I see that the only error Christians can commit is going off into this mystical la-la land and not recognizing that you are Truth. I’ve read up about all this ‘postmodernism’ nonsense and can tell there’s nothing good in it and that it could be a scheme to draw people into the Mystery Babylon Religion. With your help I know that we’re to be in the world but not of it, and not buy into all this ‘tolerance’ and gaining favor with nonbelievers.”