“God, I thank you that I am not an Evangelical Arminian. They drive me insane, filling churches with false converts and talking only about Man’s Free Will, ignoring Your sovereignty over all. They swallow up any teaching without discernment and don’t care about systematic theology.

“But I have my shelves full of textbooks about doctrine, and I study them hard, as often as I can, and make it a point to talk about my favorite parts with everyone I meet. I avoid pastors who talk too much about human choice and don’t make sure to clarify every single time that really it is God’s choice anyway. I read only nonfiction and don’t need to expose myself to impractical things. And I listen only to expositional sermons about favorite Scripture passages.”

“God, I thank you that I am not one of those Carnal Christians. I see them all around, the compromisers, CCM artists and other people so desperate to be liked by nonbelievers that they throw out good moral standards of dress and behavior and dive headfirst into everything the world offers. They’re much too worldly, giving into temptations of the eyes, with their lack of discernment, tattoos, drinking, rock music and indulgences in TV, movies and video games.

“But I recognize that Christians are meant to counter the culture in every way they can. So I don’t have a TV, or any book I didn’t safely purchase at a Christian bookstore. I don’t drink or play video games. I listen only to hymns because they are solid. I do all I can to keep pure.”

“God, I thank you that I am not like Modernist Christians who don’t see the ways the world has changed around them, people who only want to analyze truth and use it to preserve their own power structures, and want to reduce the Bible to facts, without living in love.

“I make everything about how I see your love. I blog about worthy causes and point people to new books and other blogs about the same things. I see many ways Christians have failed in the past, and I can see that inevitably their central sin is not seeing you as loving enough. I know for sure that no one can know anything for sure, and make all my beliefs about being very clear that you are only Mystery. I fast from PCs and give my money to Apple products.”

“God, I thank you that I am not like those Wacky Emergents, all of whom don’t care a bit about you and who go around with their coffees and avant-garde attitudes as if only they can solve the world’s problems, when they don’t care about much besides left-wing politics and causes.

“Thank you for making me different. I see that the only error Christians can commit is going off into this mystical la-la land and not recognizing that you are Truth. I’ve read up about all this ‘postmodernism’ nonsense and can tell there’s nothing good in it and that it could be a scheme to draw people into the Mystery Babylon Religion. With your help I know that we’re to be in the world but not of it, and not buy into all this ‘tolerance’ and gaining favor with nonbelievers.”

“God, I thank you that I am not like those Megachurch Christians, so huge and impersonal, with all their lights and sound and programs. They compromise truth with the world and don’t care if they look no different to unbelievers. They ignore the Bible and prefer their own ideas.

“But I avoid such showmanship and focus on doing church simply and traditionally, the way you want it. Instead my church has hymns and organs. I learn all about truth and the need to obey. We all know each other and are aware of each other’s problems. And we have only one service on Sunday mornings instead of worldly concerts at hip-sounding times on Saturday nights.”